Does your child see you as “The Boss?”  Do you see yourself that way?  Maybe your spouse is the boss.  I’m not talking about the lovable Tony Danza type.  I’m talking about the Donald Trump, King Henry type.

In generations past, the patriarch was exactly that.  “The Boss.”  “Coffee is for closers.”  “My way or the highway.” “Because I said so.”  Teachers were that way, too.  Thankfully, things have changed since then, but in some homes (and many schools), perhaps not as much as they should.

What image does the word “boss” project in your  mind?  Assuming it’s not Tony Danza, it’s probably something pretty negative.  The working world has come to realize that the stereotypical boss/employee relationship is not a productive one.  Traditional school systems are slowly following along as teachers begin to realize they have much to learn from their students.  But the best kept secret out there is that Montessorians have known this for more than 100 years!

The patriarch of old expected complete subjugation.  The old school teacher sought compliance over understanding and the 20^th century boss told everyone what to do.  It was me versus you.  Us versus them (which makes it all the more amazing that Dr. Montessori was able to accomplish what she did).  If you have this situation in your home, it can be a recipe for disaster.  You may not realize it, but because of this relationship, even in the best case scenario you’re entering into each parent-child interaction at a significant disadvantage.

At home, there should be no boss.  At least not in the traditional sense of the word.  Certainly mom and dad have the authority and the final say, but the ideal parent child relationship is more of a partnership –and that is exactly the relationship that Montessori teachers work to cultivate with each student.

Consider the following scenarios.

Imagine you proudly bring a new idea to your boss at work who says “We can’t focus on that now.  We have other more important work to do first.”  That answer would very likely deflate your enthusiasm for your new idea (at least temporarily) and would turn the “more important work” into nothing more than a barrier to your plans.  If the goal is simply getting past the work, there isn’t much hope that we will give our best effort .  With a few simple words, your boss just created problems for both of you.

If instead, when your boss sees your new idea he/she says “Yes.  I want to hear more about that, and we’ll take a look at your idea right after we finish this.”  In this scenario, wouldn’t you be more interested in cooperating with the boss’s request?  It’s a subtle difference but all we did was to change the phrase from negative to positive.   With that simple change in language your boss became your partner.

Now read that again putting yourself in the boss’ position and your child in that of the employee.   Which scenario is closest to the one that most often plays out in your home?  Now, the comparison may need to move beyond the literal, since most children aren’t submitting power point presentations to their parents.  So think of situations where your child needs your assistance or approval, or even situations where you want your child to do something that he/she may not especially want to do.  How does that compare?

If you find that the first scenario hits closer to home, there are things you can do.  First, but gradually, give your child as much responsibility as he/she can handle by physically making your home a place where he/she can be successful  in simple everyday tasks without you.  This can really help to reduce unnecessary interactions and arguments.

Second, when you do have these interactions, always try to enter the situation with a specific goal and a basic plan to achieve it (What does my child really need and how can I help him/her meet this need?)  Say what you mean, phrase it positively and don’t repeat it unless absolutely necessary.  For example;  Don’t ask a child to clean up his room unless you are prepared for him/her to say “no.”  If it’s not a question, don’t make it one.  Instead simply say “clean up your room.”

These are just a few ideas.  Contact your child’s teacher to learn techniques that will apply to your specific child.  In any case, don’t expect to go from boss to partner overnight.  Montessori teachers require years of training to successfully apply these techniques in the classroom.  Some of these changes may yield immediate results.  Others may work more behind the scenes.   None of the above ideas are one-and-done solutions.  Parenting is a marathon.  Not a sprint.  Consistent, pro-longed application of these concepts is the key to their success.

The fact of the matter is that whether it’s in the classroom, boardroom or living room, human beings respond better to cooperation than domination.  Sorry for the alliteration.  I had to do it.  But don’t let that obfuscate the points, here, which are many.  At the risk of oversimplifying I’m going to bullet point them below:

• If applied properly, Montessori philosophy works anywhere.
• Children, like adults, respond best to cooperation.
• When it comes to parenting, it is better to be a partner than a boss.
• Choose your words carefully.  Phrase things positively.  Say it once and mean it.
• Tony Danza is a brilliant actor.

Remember, as a Montessori parent, you have access to a nearly limitless resource in child development.  Give us a call.  Send an email. We are here to help.

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By Bart Theriot, Head of School, Administration

The earliest lessons learned by students new to the Montessori environment are those of grace and courtesy. As discussed in Part I, these lessons form the backbone of the Montessori method. As the new year begins, it is always fun to see the children learning how to relate to one another as they begin to take responsibility for their own development. The wonderful thing about these lessons is that they continue through the child’s entire Montessori experience. They build the framework for the life ahead. We’re going to discuss as many as we can here on the MAB website. Today, let’s talk about patience –certainly, an essential human skill .

Does this scenario sound familiar? You’re having a conversation with your spouse –nothing time sensitive or important, just catching up on the day’s events. 45 seconds into your conversation, you hear “Mom.” Your beautiful child approaches and stands directly in between you and your spouse and says “MOM!” What happens next varies from house to house. Many parents will stop their conversation and direct their attention to the child. Some parents may attempt to continue their conversation and ignore the child –a tactic which is usually met with “Mom. Mom. Mooommmm. MOMMY!” until the parent has completely forgotten what she was talking about, thus ending the conversation all the same.

Patience comes in many forms. It is one thing to have patience when engaged in a preferred activity, but another thing entirely when waiting for a need to be met. Neither of the two options above provide the child with an opportunity to develop her patience. Simply ignoring the child may allow you to finish your conversation, but doing so does not send the proper message to the child, who may learn that ignoring is an acceptable method of human interaction. However, if the parent immediately gives her attention to the child, the message is sent that no matter what mom is doing, what the child wants is more important. In the grand scheme of things, our children’s needs must come first. The problem arises when neither the parent nor the child is able to treat wants differently than needs. After all, when you are accustomed to having all your wants and needs met immediately, who needs to know the difference between the two?

Dr. Montessori clearly recognized the need for patience in early life. As a result, nearly every material in the classroom and all of those in the practical life and sensorial sections teach patience. Here’s a lesson our teachers use from toddlers through elementary. Please try it at home and let us know how it goes (chances are your child has already heard it, but she will get a real kick out of doing it with you). It’s also a good way to show her that you are a part of her class.

The next time your child interrupts a conversation in this manner, use this as the opportunity to share this lesson with her. Pause your conversation, get down to her level and while making eye contact, say “I am talking to dad right now. I want to hear what you have to say, but I will listen to you when I am finished my conversation with dad. In the meantime, please put your hand on my shoulder/arm and wait patiently until I stop talking and look at you.”

This may take a few times to get it right. After a few attempts, it is helpful to remind the child simply by quietly motioning to her to wait without making eye contact and softly tapping your hand on your shoulder to remind her what she should do. When your child has mastered this technique, you can explain to her that she may simply wait nearby as the hand on your shoulder is no longer necessary.

There is also a nice little bonus lesson of independence attached to this. It happens without any extra effort on the part of the adult, but we see it very often in our elementary classroom. In addition to developing patience, your child will also begin to learn to find the answer to her own questions. Then all that is left is to learn to differentiate needs and wants, but that’s another lesson for another time.

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I love the start of a new school year.  Less than one full week in the books and already the classrooms are humming with that electric energy found only in the Montessori environment.  New relationships are forming and old relationships are strengthening.  For some of our students, even those we haven’t seen all Summer, it is as if they never left!  In truth, if we have done our jobs, Montessori will remain with each child for the rest of his life.

I hope you are enjoying these early days of school as much as the children.  Your children will be bringing home so many new ideas beyond the tangible work in their backpacks.  Sometimes, the learning is subtle and takes a keen parenting eye just to notice it.  Here are a few things you can do to ensure that you won’t miss a thing.

• Pickup and drop-off times represent excellent opportunities to chat with your child about his or her day.  Make sure your cell phone is off during these times, whether you are in the carpool line or inside the school building.  Even though you may be running late, this is a time to slow down.  Always allow your child the time he or she needs to prepare himself for the day both before and after school.
• Read up on Montessori.  There is a wealth of information on our website in “The Cubby” as well as in our parent library, which includes books, audio CDs, magazines and videos.  The more you know about the philosophy and materials, the easier it will be to discuss and reinforce these concepts at home.
• Visit your child’s classroom.  Most of the classrooms will be offering observation times as well as various classroom events which will allow you to share the room with your child.  Observation is an excellent way to learn about Montessori and acquaint yourself with the daily routine.  Check with your teacher to schedule a visit.
• For the first few weeks, forget about academics.  Your child is likely being exposed to language and math lessons, particularly if he or she is older, but success in these areas stems directly from the development of social/emotional and executive functioning.  This is where your parenting focus should lie.  Look for increased patience, concentration, confidence and curiosity.  Because of the independence afforded to your child in the classroom, it is likely that you will hear “I can do it myself” a few times at home.  Be sure to use these moments as an opportunity to empower your child to develop confidence and experience the same success at home as he or she is experiencing in school.
• Spend quiet time with your child.  Observe with no agenda other than to understand all of the myriad little things happening behind the scenes in that magical mind and body.  If you can, write about what you see -you’ll want to remember this stuff!

Thanks again for joining us.  We look forward to sharing these amazing and important years with you and your child.

-Bart Theriot

Head if School, Administration

MAB

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