Before anxiety becomes a condition, it shows up as an emotion. Its triggers are myriad and its presence can wreak havoc; making the unknown feel unsafe and the uncomfortable feel unmanageable. Now, anxiety has come for our children and we are the one’s holding the door open. In today’s post, I am going to focus upon two common sources of anxiety, which often intersect; uncertainty and incapability.

Many versions of diagnosable anxiety result from an extreme need for certainty. The search for that certainty dictates the severity of the anxiety. If certainty is found quickly, anxious moments are short, manageable and perhaps quickly forgotten. When certainty cannot be found, especially when it does not exist, the fruitless search becomes a negative feedback loop. If allowed to bloom, this unhealthy need for certainty may grow like a weed, eventually overwhelming other more essential needs.

“You are, by nature, born to bear anything which your own judgement can decide bearable.” —Marcus Aurelius

I don’t know what percentage of ancient Roman parents agreed with Marcus Aurelius 2000 years ago, but the number has to be less today. Just a few weeks ago, the US Surgeon General confirmed it in a formal advisory; parents are stressed. We will address this news more deeply in my next post. However, the advisory does not bode well for children, who are obviously stressed, too. In the last decade, especially regarding children under age 10, I have heard anxiety referred to more often as a condition than an emotion. As if the condition creates the emotion and not the other way around. To me, this subtle shift in definitions is both a symptom and a cause of the rise in parent-diagnosed anxiety for young children.

It is worth noting that anxiety isn’t always unhelpful. It can be an early warning of an impending challenge or threat. Under the right circumstances, anxiety can even be enjoyable. That slow clickety-clack of the roller coaster as it crests a 300 foot hill is really 10 seconds of anxiety. Logically, we know what to expect, but to our fight or flight system, in that moment anything is possible. This is precisely why people will pay for the experience. However, for some, even that brief moment of uncertainty is enough to avoid amusement parks entirely.

Leave us a Review Scan or Click

Avoidance ranks as one of the more problematic responses to anxiety. It often occurs at the intersection of these two complimentary triggers. Uncertainty by itself can be a challenge for anyone, but it is even more concerning if we doubt our capability to handle it. The duality forces us into this feedback loop in which uncertainty becomes the chicken to incapability’s egg. Unable to reconcile the circular logic, we resort to a manufactured certainty; that all unknowns are beyond our capacity to bear.

It does not take much for parents to inadvertently lead children into this mental/emotional trap. That is one reason why we see anxiety so often at such a young age. In spite of best intentions, a parent’s interference can go beyond merely instilling doubt to actually hindering capability itself. All that is required is for parents to create the expectation of certainty and comfort in the child’s life.

Yes. You read that right. The thing we all do instinctively as parents is causing problems for an entire generation. We do too much. We are everywhere. You don’t have to be the Surgeon General to know this is unsustainable. Children need not search for certainty, because we put it there before it even occurs to them to look for it. As we ratchet up the comfort, certainty and safety, we press our children’s need into rigidity, anxiety and helplessness. All because we just want them to be “happy.”

So keep them in their lanes by limiting personal responsibilities. Get there first and soften any rough edges. Don’t make them wait. Save them from boredom. Be the source of their happiness. Make decisions for them. Remove consequences. Fill their spare time with adult-supervised activities. Give them screens and technology, which keep them inside and sedentary and definitely do not let them fail. It all ensures their comfort zones will never grow and neither will their capability.

We also put our fingers on the scale in tricky little unintentional ways. The most pernicious of these is the subconscious certainty created by our simple presence. Parents are never out of reach anymore. Even when we are not physically present, our influence is palpable. But just to make sure, there are Apple Watches, Airtags and Smart phones to serve as physical reminders of a parent’s infinte reach. So whatever might happen, children know (with certainty) that mom or dad, exhausted and stressed as they may be, will step in before things become unmanageable. Why develop capability when you can always rely on someone else?

Of course, fading out of your child’s periphery requires a concerted effort. You must make yourself less necessary, while exposing your child to the challenges he or she can manage independently. The children of parents who do this always stand out in a crowd. They seem far more mature, aware and confident than adults expect. It is clear they have grown because of their experiences. To make this a priority, we must recognize that each new moment of uncertainty pushes a child to think critically; to seek answers to their own questions without being influenced by the reflection they see in a parent’s eyes. How do I feel about this? Is this true? What’s the worst that could happen? Can I handle this?

If you watched a video of your time spent in the presence of your child, you would not believe how often you answer those questions for them; sometimes before they are even asked. That’s because it is so much easier, for us and our children, to shield them from discomfort. Like a can of Lysol, we can eliminate 99.6% of the threat. But what if you just let a few slip by every now and then? Because each moment avoided, is an opportunity missed. Conversely, every obstacle navigated, even a painful one, adds more confidence in personal capability. It also creates an archived history of past successes on which to bolster a far more empowering certainty; that whatever it is can be done.